I would like to start by saying I'm a survivor. A survivor of a deranged bird attack. Not the kind where the poop lands on you from God knows where, but the kind where you're eyes are about to be pecked out of your head and you have flashes of Hitchcock's The Birds soaring through your head.
I'm not quite sure how this all really happened or what it was that I did that upset the damn thing so much, but holy bananas did that thing want to take me down!
It all randomly began when I was walking home from my local 7/11 (no, I didn't get a slurpie) and about two houses down from my apartment. As I was walking enjoying my peanut butter M&M's
and day dreaming about the movies I was about to watch from the RedBox, I spotted this deranged bird. Only I didn't know he was deranged at first, he was just a beautiful creature of God, a blue jay. He was perched on a ledge some what close to the side walk which I thought was also kinda weird? We locked eyes and the stare down commenced for two steps when I broke my gaze and thought:
"wow, I've never looked at a bird in the eye like that before for so long!"
Next thing I know, I hear a SWOOSH! and a high pitched SCREEECH right next to my right ear!
"What the devil!!!!" " Ohhh myy gawwd!"
Many things were going through my head at this moment, the moment of my attack, like:
- Uhhhhh this GD bird is after me!!
- Uhhhh maybe it wants my M&M's?!?!
- Uhhhh really hope no one is seeing this right now!!
- Duck and cover-Duck and fucking cover!!!!!
- This is bananas, I'm being attacked by a BIRD!! Do I run?! I can't stand still! Where are my keys? where are my keys?!
- How many cat-lady cats will it take to kill this thing?!?
Thankfully my swift arm movements and quickened pace (I'm sure I looked like a totally sane person at this point too) warded off my attacker. When I was safely back inside my apartment with the door locked and my heart rate back to normal, I glanced out my window.
What did I see you may be thinking? A picturesque back drop of weeping willows and spanish mossed trees? Nay, I say. Nay.
I
S
A
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THE BLUE JAY THAT ATTACKED ME TAUNTING ME ON MY BACK PORCH!!! I mean you can't make this shit up!! Don't worry I didn't make eye contact again, I leaned my lesson from 2 minutes before. Instead I knocked on the door to create a ruckus. That didn't work and only made me look even more crazy. So, I slowly backed away from the door and sat in the only spot of my apartment that doesn't have windows, the hallway. After what seemed like a lifetime (like 30 seconds) I came back out to find that the little shit had flown away, away from my life.....for now.
None of these posts would be complete without a random cat story, right? It seems to be a theme here and I HATE cats. That's probably why one of the 90 cats that the cat-lady owns is always pissing on my car.
This little piece of crap comes out from who-knows-where and backs it's ass up against my left, front tire of my car.
"What the fu....what?! Ohhhhh you're peeing on my car!!!!" I screamed out from my kitchen. Like the thing cared. Cat pee all over my car, what is a gal to do? So, I bought a BB gun.
Haha, not really. I just love A Christmas Story.
To conclude this post, we will again hear a tale of woe that includes a cat and a dead lizard (not related).
I got to work on Monday this week to find a dead lizard in my cubical.
What? That's it, that's the story. Random right?! Well, later in the day after a random wooden fence was put up right outside of my cubical window (yeah, entry level and with a view...nice...not any more, though) I get a call from T (my boss) that went something like this....
Ring...Ring....
"Hey, what's up?!"
"MA?"
"Yeah, what's up, T?"
"MA, do you hear a cat outside of your window?!"
"Haha, uhhhh hahaha well no?"
"Oh, ok. It just must be me. K-bye!"
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the random story of the day I found a dead lizard and found out my boss is just as random as me.
MA
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