Throw pillows, bums in fountains, and "free" internet

Well, bananas, it's been a while....

Like any random story let's just start where ever. I'll begin with my loss of "free" internet. Yeah, okay I was "illegally" using someone else's connection for my own free amusement and enjoyment of surfing the web, if you will.

I guess Karma really is a bitch because now I have to go to Starbucks, where I currently am sitting now, and pay almost 5 dollars for a drink and "free" internet. At least I'm joining the ranks of fellow bloggers like Perez Hilton who started off blogging in some coffee shop in LaLa Land. Also the people judging is top notch here. Yeah people judging, not people watching. I'm not watching people, I'm meticulously judging everyone based on their conversations, looks, clothes, and over all short presence in my life.

Give me a break betches, you do it too.





So on to the next wonderfully rannndom story.




Let me start this one off with saying I have no idea how or rather WHY this happened, but it did.

Maybe 2 weeks ago now on a Saturday, I was cleaning my apartment like the good little girl my mom raised me to be. While cleaning I enjoy opening the windows, blasting music, and reminding my neighbors why they hate me so much while I sing at the top of my lungs.

My wonderful apartment has a lot of great things going for it but screens on my living room windows is not one of them. Whatever, I just open them any way and throw caution to the wind, or at least that's what I do now. Before though, I opened them and didn't think twice.

I didn't have a couch at this point, thanks mom for that by the way!!, so I positioned my automann between the two windows with my adorable nautical pillows for back support.

Exhibit A:

While I was cleaning and I mean really cleaning my kitchen and bedroom, sorry when I say cleaning what I really mean is dancing around my apartment working on my Beyonce dance moves and singing "Single Ladies" Just want to make sure you all know I haven't gone completely crazy down here in FL.  Those two places needed the most work, what with dishes all over the place but the sink and a room filled with dirty clothes everywhere. They also don't have a view out to my living room *important fact here!*

I walked back out in the hall and looked at my pretty little living room with the windows open and the fresh FL air flowing in. Just then it occurred to me that something looked a little weird? 

"What the H E double Hockey Sicks?" (ps I'm trying to cut back on the swearing....eh so far, too painful) (and yes, I really talk out loud to myself when I'm alone in my apartment which is all the time and I really say things like "ah bananas! and h e double hockey sticks). 

"haha uhhhh where the FUCK ARE MY NAUTICAL THROW PILLOWS!?!?!?!" I thought as I walked over to my little automann looking outside. 

Who steals nautical throw pillows...while I'm home...and there is a living room with a really nice tv and computer in it?!?

I'm assuming the same person who would steal 30 bag lunches is who. I put up lost posters around my neighborhood but just kept getting phone calls from confused grandmas and dirty old men.

OH PS, the thief also stole the cushions off the two chairs outside my window....hah they don't even belong to me.

As if having two out of your four nautical throw pillows isn't weird enough just wait till you hear this next story....

(set to the tune of 2 coins in the fountain) One Bum In A Fountain!!

Again, we open this scene on a Saturday morning-my living room-I've awoken to wait for my bed frame to come from IKEA, thanks mom!

    + =

My reality. 

*It was really hard to find a picture with a bum actually in a fountain and I really like using visuals so that explains the random pictures.*

I walk over to the infamous windows to open my blinds. Ahh what a beautiful Saturday morning, warm sunshine shining, plans for the day, a new bed, and some broad sitting fully clothed in the fountain outside my living room.

hahaha ummm really? really this is happening right now? That's all I could think. Then I thought, well maybe this bitch is hungry? Like, what do you do when you have a bum in your fountain who is bathing with all of her clothes on? Do you take them some soap and shampoo? Do you make a PB and J to take out to them? Do you call the cops?

No, you avoid the situation until the IKEA delivery guys get there and scare the lady off. Thank Gawwd that's what happened for me. Did I mention she was in there for like 20 minutes and was talking loudly to her self?! She thought she was hella hilarious too, because the random cackles coming from her were frequent. 

So, while the randomness is still occurring I probably won't be able to write about it for a while. Oh how I miss the "free" internet.

Happy Holidays Randos!!