Throw pillows, bums in fountains, and "free" internet

Well, bananas, it's been a while....

Like any random story let's just start where ever. I'll begin with my loss of "free" internet. Yeah, okay I was "illegally" using someone else's connection for my own free amusement and enjoyment of surfing the web, if you will.

I guess Karma really is a bitch because now I have to go to Starbucks, where I currently am sitting now, and pay almost 5 dollars for a drink and "free" internet. At least I'm joining the ranks of fellow bloggers like Perez Hilton who started off blogging in some coffee shop in LaLa Land. Also the people judging is top notch here. Yeah people judging, not people watching. I'm not watching people, I'm meticulously judging everyone based on their conversations, looks, clothes, and over all short presence in my life.

Give me a break betches, you do it too.





So on to the next wonderfully rannndom story.




Let me start this one off with saying I have no idea how or rather WHY this happened, but it did.

Maybe 2 weeks ago now on a Saturday, I was cleaning my apartment like the good little girl my mom raised me to be. While cleaning I enjoy opening the windows, blasting music, and reminding my neighbors why they hate me so much while I sing at the top of my lungs.

My wonderful apartment has a lot of great things going for it but screens on my living room windows is not one of them. Whatever, I just open them any way and throw caution to the wind, or at least that's what I do now. Before though, I opened them and didn't think twice.

I didn't have a couch at this point, thanks mom for that by the way!!, so I positioned my automann between the two windows with my adorable nautical pillows for back support.

Exhibit A:

While I was cleaning and I mean really cleaning my kitchen and bedroom, sorry when I say cleaning what I really mean is dancing around my apartment working on my Beyonce dance moves and singing "Single Ladies" Just want to make sure you all know I haven't gone completely crazy down here in FL.  Those two places needed the most work, what with dishes all over the place but the sink and a room filled with dirty clothes everywhere. They also don't have a view out to my living room *important fact here!*

I walked back out in the hall and looked at my pretty little living room with the windows open and the fresh FL air flowing in. Just then it occurred to me that something looked a little weird? 

"What the H E double Hockey Sicks?" (ps I'm trying to cut back on the swearing....eh so far, too painful) (and yes, I really talk out loud to myself when I'm alone in my apartment which is all the time and I really say things like "ah bananas! and h e double hockey sticks). 

"haha uhhhh where the FUCK ARE MY NAUTICAL THROW PILLOWS!?!?!?!" I thought as I walked over to my little automann looking outside. 

Who steals nautical throw pillows...while I'm home...and there is a living room with a really nice tv and computer in it?!?

I'm assuming the same person who would steal 30 bag lunches is who. I put up lost posters around my neighborhood but just kept getting phone calls from confused grandmas and dirty old men.

OH PS, the thief also stole the cushions off the two chairs outside my window....hah they don't even belong to me.

As if having two out of your four nautical throw pillows isn't weird enough just wait till you hear this next story....

(set to the tune of 2 coins in the fountain) One Bum In A Fountain!!

Again, we open this scene on a Saturday morning-my living room-I've awoken to wait for my bed frame to come from IKEA, thanks mom!

    + =

My reality. 

*It was really hard to find a picture with a bum actually in a fountain and I really like using visuals so that explains the random pictures.*

I walk over to the infamous windows to open my blinds. Ahh what a beautiful Saturday morning, warm sunshine shining, plans for the day, a new bed, and some broad sitting fully clothed in the fountain outside my living room.

hahaha ummm really? really this is happening right now? That's all I could think. Then I thought, well maybe this bitch is hungry? Like, what do you do when you have a bum in your fountain who is bathing with all of her clothes on? Do you take them some soap and shampoo? Do you make a PB and J to take out to them? Do you call the cops?

No, you avoid the situation until the IKEA delivery guys get there and scare the lady off. Thank Gawwd that's what happened for me. Did I mention she was in there for like 20 minutes and was talking loudly to her self?! She thought she was hella hilarious too, because the random cackles coming from her were frequent. 

So, while the randomness is still occurring I probably won't be able to write about it for a while. Oh how I miss the "free" internet.

Happy Holidays Randos!!

A random bird attack, a pissing cat, and random work stories

Could there be any more to this post?! Well, yes, actually there could be but we'll save it.


I would like to start by saying I'm a survivor. A survivor of a deranged bird attack. Not the kind where the poop lands on you from God knows where, but the kind where you're eyes are about to be pecked out of your head and you have flashes of Hitchcock's The Birds soaring through your head.

I'm not quite sure how this all really happened or what it was that I did that upset the damn thing so much, but holy bananas did that thing want to take me down!

It all randomly began when I was walking home from my local 7/11 (no, I didn't get a slurpie) and about two houses down from my apartment. As I was walking enjoying my peanut butter M&M's

and day dreaming about the movies I was about to watch from the RedBox, I spotted this deranged bird. Only I didn't know he was deranged at first, he was just a beautiful creature of God, a blue jay. He was perched on a ledge some what close to the side walk which I thought was also kinda weird? We locked eyes and the stare down commenced for two steps when I broke my gaze and thought:

"wow, I've never looked at a bird in the eye like that before for so long!"

Next thing I know, I hear a SWOOSH! and a high pitched SCREEECH right next to my right ear!

"What the devil!!!!" " Ohhh myy gawwd!" 

Many things were going through my head at this moment, the moment of my attack, like:

• Uhhhhh this GD bird is after me!!
• Uhhhh maybe it wants my M&M's?!?!
• Uhhhh really hope no one is seeing this right now!!
• Duck and cover-Duck and fucking cover!!!!!
• This is bananas, I'm being attacked by a BIRD!! Do I run?! I can't stand still! Where are my keys? where are my keys?!
• How many cat-lady cats will it take to kill this thing?!?

Thankfully my swift arm movements and quickened pace (I'm sure I looked like a totally sane person at this point too) warded off my attacker. When I was safely back inside my apartment with the door locked and my heart rate back to normal, I glanced out my window.

What did I see you may be thinking? A picturesque back drop of weeping willows and spanish mossed trees? Nay, I say. Nay.

I 

S 

A

W

.

.

.

.

. 

THE BLUE JAY THAT ATTACKED ME TAUNTING ME ON MY BACK PORCH!!! I mean you can't make this shit up!! Don't worry I didn't make eye contact again, I leaned my lesson from 2 minutes before. Instead I knocked on the door to create a ruckus. That didn't work and only made me look even more crazy. So, I slowly backed away from the door and sat in the only spot of my apartment that doesn't have windows, the hallway. After what seemed like a lifetime (like 30 seconds) I came back out to find that the little shit had flown away, away from my life.....for now. 

None of these posts would be complete without a random cat story, right? It seems to be a theme here and I HATE cats. That's probably why one of the 90 cats that the cat-lady owns is always pissing on my car. 

This little piece of crap comes out from who-knows-where and backs it's ass up against my left, front tire of my car. 

"What the fu....what?! Ohhhhh you're peeing on my car!!!!" I screamed out from my kitchen. Like the thing cared. Cat pee all over my car, what is a gal to do? So, I bought a BB gun. 

Haha, not really. I just love A Christmas Story. 

To conclude this post, we will again hear a tale of woe that includes a cat and a dead lizard (not related). 

I got to work on Monday this week to find a dead lizard in my cubical. 

What? That's it, that's the story. Random right?! Well, later in the day after a random wooden fence was put up right outside of my cubical window (yeah, entry level and with a view...nice...not any more, though) I get a call from T (my boss) that went something like this....

Ring...Ring....

"Hey, what's up?!"

"MA?"

"Yeah, what's up, T?"

"MA, do you hear a cat outside of your window?!"

"Haha, uhhhh hahaha well no?"

"Oh, ok. It just must be me. K-bye!"

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the random story of the day I found a dead lizard and found out my boss is just as random as me. 

MA

The RanDoM tail of mr. tumnus

Haha! How random is this picture?! It's a good set up to how random the story is of Mr. Tumnus, the stray cat I thought I would bring home with me one night. If you know me, you know I despise cats, Meow! So, why I thought I needed to bring a yucky stray home with me is beyond my understanding. 

Having a pet is a wonderful thing. I should know, I have the greatest one eyed dog in the world, but more on that later. 

This whole Mr. Tumnus thing started one random Friday night a few weeks ago. While meandering back to my apartment late at night after a night of PBR's and random displays of my awesome dance moves, I walked past the saddest excuse of a cat. 

"Bahh!! What the hell?!" Mr. Tumnus had some creepy glowing eyes that startled me, hence the shouting and basic loathing of cats in general. 

As I paused there on the sidewalk feeling horrible for this scrappy looking over grown squirrel, I had the greatest idea that I should bring this thing home with me. 

"Mary-Ann: the Mother Theresa of lost and abandoned cats" This was the rational I was using for justifying my wanting to bring Mr. Tumnus home. Probably should have thought that one through a little better. Don't worry the damn thing denied my advance for a night cap of skim milk and I went on my way.

Fast forward to Saturday night, same situation, same location, and same foggy state-of-mind. There was Mr. Tumnus in his usual location, center of someone's drive way looking all gross and pitiful. Well, this time this cat had no choice than to come home with me and he did. I picked up the sack of bones and brought him back to my place. I decided to call big brother and ask his advice as to how to handle Mr. Tumnus. 

"Mary-Ann, get rid of the thing, what's wrong with you??"

"No, brother, you don't understand...this thing neeeeds me!"

"It's probably got rabies and you need to keep it out of your apartment, oh God, you didn't bring it inside did you?"

silence

"MA? you did, didn't you?"

silence

"Push it out the door and if you're really worried leave some damn water in a bowl outside for it."

faucet goes on, door opens, screeching cat call, door closes

"So uhhh, how's my niece?"

"You're an idiot, goodnight."

I wish I could say that was the last I saw of Mr. Tumnus and his ratty paws, but it wasn't. The thing came around for four days after that. How did it know where I lived?! 

Reason number two as to why I think cats are evil.

In the daylight I saw how gross Mr. Tumnus really was, a reoccurring theme for many areas of my life..

Mr. Tumnus would hang out on the back porch I share with my wierdo neighbor who insists on wearing combat boots and cargo pants in the middle of the FL summer. I didn't realize Nam was still going on? Any how, this moron started leaving shit out for Mr. Tumnus as well. You can imagine how much this annoyed me. I wanted to get rid of the damn thing, not keep it coming back for more empty promises!

I kind of think Combat boy was getting a little aggravated with my "save the world" project as well because he stopped leaving things out for Mr. Tumnus, too.

Eventually the most random cat in history stopped coming around. I eventually stopped feeling guilty for trying to be a cat lady and my neighbor continues to wear his combat boots, cargo pants and riding his ever-so-eco-friendly-bike everywhere.

Thus concludes the random story of Mr. Tumnus. Until the next random story!



MA

 

 Here's mr. tumnus from the lion the witch and the wardrobe. Some day when I'm actually allowed to own pets I will be naming my DOG mr. tumnus, after the cutest little faun ever. 

Let's randomly begin at the beginning...

*I should start out by placing a disclaimer on this little gem of a blog and say that there will be horrendous spelling errors in here. Not to mention the grammatical errors that will most likely follow those spelling errors. Just go with because I do.

"So, I'm moving to Florida"

    "well, that's random"

I heard a lot of that when I announced to everyone I've ever known...friends....family....random people who will remain nameless....random boys I had random relationships with...random bar patrons I cried to on the night of my going away celebration...the random bank teller who insisted that "my whole life was about to begin now!" (that's funny, what have I been doing this whole time until now, Deb?)


Pretty much everyone.

I picked up everything I owned, a side table, some clothes, a random lamp, had my dad pack up my car and drove down with my best friend from the greatest state in the Union, Wisconsin, all the way to Flo-Rida.

We saw a lot of signs on the way down that stated "Hell is real" and "God saves." We went with the later of the two since it was a long trip and we listened to mostly Chelsea Handler on tape.

What most people don't know because mainly I forgot to tell them, is that when we stopped in the most random state of all, Tennessee, something SO random happened that it's almost too good to be true.

          The story starts like this...I had to do all of the driving because my car is stick shift and even though my best friend is talented in many ways, she's lacking in the random knowledge of how to drive a stick.
 I was getting tired and we had made our goal to get to Tennessee and call it quits. We found a hotel that looked the least like we were going to get raped there, parked the car, took the smallest amount we could with out the car exploding all of my things everywhere, and dragged ourselves inside.
   This place was about 2 steps up from a Motel 6 and about 9 steps down from a Courtyard Marriott (I don't know, is that a good one?) My besty and I walked up to the concierge got a room and went up to the second floor, room 456. I insert the key, open the door, take two steps in and began to realize we weren't the only one's with this room.
   The pungent smell of a cheep mens cologne filled the air while ESPN sports center boomed in the background. In that instant I realized that this room was already occupied by no one other than a dodgey middle aged traveling business man who probably sold soap out of a suit case and belonged to a club now one knows about but everyone is a part of.
   I turned so quickly into Margaret (my besty) that my momentum forced her out of the room. We got into the hall and burst out laughing.
                 The both of us ran giggling down the 1995 decorated hall way towards the elevator. As we did so, sort, wheezing, loud whispers came from me saying, "OH MY GOD, MARGARET, THAT ROOM IS ALREADY OCCUPIED!!"

The lady at the front desk assured us that that NEEEEVER happens and apologized profusely.  Needless to say we made is to Florida all in one piece, but of course not with out some random occurrence.

That was over three months ago and quite a bit has happened since.

I plan to keep you all informed of my most random life experiences while on this crazy adventure in Florida--as there are far too many to keep to myself already.

If variety is the spice of life, then randomness is most definitely the whipped cream and cherry on top!

MA